The “Ex-Partner” Dilemma: Abandonment and Avoidance

AUTHOR’S NOTE: I’m currently following an interesting sub-reddit thread in which the conversation centers on ex-partner reconciliation and the broader issue of “soulmate/twin-flame” connections, two areas of concern that are frequently brought to a diviner’s attention. Then it broaches the subject of “attachment style,” which I didn’t realize has become an area of formal study for relationship psychologists. A short documentary titled Desperately Seeking Soulmate was mentioned that highlights the dangers of “twin-flame obsession,” and apparently there is a longer Netflix version.

I’m going to open this essay by quoting verbatim from “TarotQueen23” in the r/tarot sub:

“I believe in runner/chaser dynamics in relationships, but I don’t think there’s anything spiritual or special about it. We have one person with avoidant attachment issues, then another that has abandonment issues who runs after the person who is avoidant.”

The commenter goes on to address the probability of an ex-partner returning:

“If they wanted to be with you, they would. If they wanted to come back into your life, they would reach out. And while yes, emotional issues and other traumas can get in the way of commitment, (and never say never) it’s not your job (ed: the tarot reader’s job) to make that better. It’s theirs.”

The concept of runners and chasers in personal matters reminds me of the tart observation often made by those looking upon an unfolding relationship from the outside: “He chased her until she caught him.” The assumption is that the whole “avoidance” scenario is merely a tactic to string along intended paramours by whetting their appetite with coy evasiveness aimed at inflaming their passions. It’s an age-old game of psychological cat-and-mouse that never seems to get old. However, in many “ex” situations the atmosphere has been poisoned by lingering bitterness and the existence of past infractions that brought about the separation in the first place. In short, getting back together may not be the healthiest outcome for either one.

It’s typically the partner who feels abandoned that poses the question, while the former companion is oblivious to the initiative and is most likely the “avoidant” member of the pair anyway. These needy seekers are almost invariably obsessing over the situation and looking for reinforcement of their desire for rapprochement (as well as a glimpse into whether the other person is feeling regret or remorse over the breakup that might presage a reunion, thus fueling the universal preoccupation with “thinks-or-feels” queries). But the very idea of using predictive techniques to “get inside the head” of an absent third party for the purpose of figuring out their intentions and reacting accordingly is (arguably) a self-indulgent invasion of privacy that relies on nothing more than intuitive guesswork. An experienced psychic and medium may have the skills and sensitivity to accomplish the divination with some success, but the average tarot reader is more likely to be an amateur in this regard, if not an actual poseur. I — and many of my professional peers — try to steer clear of the mind-reading angle entirely.

On the subject of fated connections, another commenter noted that the use of “magic words” like soulmate, twin flame and divine partner is designed to entice anxious clients into coming back for more readings in the hope of eventually receiving an answer that proves to be the fulfillment of their fondest wishes. (“The ideal candidate must be out there somewhere,” they’re told, “it’s just a matter of [pre-paid] time before you find them.”) These terms seem more like code-words for dependency than descriptors for a state of relationship bliss. I’m most amused by the YouTube tarot readers (and bemused by their clientele) who purport to conduct readings for a “collective” of their followers. I don’t bother with YouTube so I’ve never actually seen one (although I know the type very well), but my wife does; she has tagged me on some of her sites and I receive generic “daily draws” that I never look at. A third commenter on the thread quipped “Are we all getting soulmates this weekend? Wowwwww!” My first thought was “But what will I do with the one I already have?”

Originally published at http://parsifalswheeldivination.wordpress.com on December 5, 2023.